Lost in translation

Okay, so it seems i’m in a bit of an emotional place at the moment. I have taken some time off work to have some ‘me’ time. Although it is more like ‘us’ time, it is ALWAYS ‘us’ time lately.

My behaviour has become very erratic lately, a lot more than usual. I tend to find myself taking a step back and asking myself why? Why did I just do that? A lot more than usual.

My behaviour isn’t a cause for concern, not to the public anyway. But I seem to be on a path of self destruction at the moment. Shouting at my boss, being rude to my colleagues and family, walking out of work and even throwing food out of my window – yes, throwing food out of the window. I know it may sound silly, but often I don’t even realise I’m doing it. My flatmate was the one who told me about the food, I don’t have much recollection of this.

Anyway, I have something I’m a bit concerned about I hope someone would  be able to help me with. I’m going to see my doctor next week but before I get the whole ‘hallucinations’ talk I hope someone has some helpful advice.

For as long as I can remember I have been able to see ‘noise’. As in, when I’m in a dark room and there is a sudden noise I see a sharp, bright flash of light simultaneously. Lately it is happening a lot, a lot more than I can ever remember and before I am fobbed off by my doctor I wondered does anyone else experience this? What is it? Should I be concerned.

As a ‘sufferer’ of DID I hardly have a good mental health track record, that is why I wantd to ask. Is there anyone else out there who knows what this could be?

A/R/A

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The Prodigal Son..

Britney - oops

I don’t know how I have gone more than a year and a half without posting on here. I have done it again, completely forgot that thedidlife even existed. It comes and goes in waves and I think it depends on my emotional state at the time. I have had a real down day today, and I have no explanation as to why. I have missed writing, and I and glad that I suddenly remembered this place.

So what has happened in the last year and a half? I have a new job, more money, lost a fair bit of weight and moved to Manchester! and I have also acknowledged a increase in alters. About a year ago I had a realisation that some how more personalities had materialised from within the ocean in my head. The only thing I can put this down to is due to the amount of changes in my life within this time period.

Anyway, I am going to give a full update on everything I have been up to since. But I just thought while this was in my mind I would write a quick post and raise my blog from the dead.

Have a magical day!

A/P

Dear stress, let’s break up…

Memory loss, stress and silver linings..

It has been a while since I last posted. I wish I had some great explanation for why I haven’t posted, but the truth is I have being experiencing severe memory drought.

I have tried to log into wordpress over and over again and could not for the life of me remember my log in details. I completely forgot my password, and could not trigger a memory cue to retrieve it. I got to the point where I was convinced I had never even created a wordpress, that I had imagined it all. That it was something that had happened in one of the lives of my alters.

As quick as I had forgotten my password, I have just remembered it. I don’t know what it was that triggered the memory but something brought it back to me. I think I may be the stress over the past couple of months which has inhibited me from functioning. Work had completely gotten on top of me, my manager was making my life a living misery and she threatened to fire me.

So what did I do to relieve the stress? I QUIT MY JOB!

I found myself a new job, something without stress and without sales targets. I found it within a charity, and as quickly as I had applied and interviewed I was offered. It is less stress, more money and gives me job satisfaction. Maybe this is why I have suddenly remembered my password all of a sudden, as the stress has subsided, my memory is getting back on track.

So I was offered the job anyway, and the next day I went into work and told my manger where she could shove her job. She was pissed with me, called me selfish and told that I should be more considerate as ‘I never know when our paths may cross in the future’. I strolled out of the office clicking my heels and holding my head high and haven’t looked back since.

Well I thought I would just post a quick update. Hopefully I can make posts regular again now that I have the ability to log back into my account!

A/P.

DID dating woes…..

I am 22 and have been single for 22 years. Don’t get me wrong I have had relationships and encounters with others, but nothing I would ever class as a relationship.

People often ask me ‘why?, is there something wrong with you’ or ‘do you ever get lonely?’. The truth is, I am never truly lonely, not matter what I always have those other parts of me that are forever present and in my company. I often wonder why this is why I am quite a reclusive person, I mean I don’t need many other people when I have different sides of myself.

As much as I would like to have a relationship and feel close to someone else, I don’t think I could do it. The reason why I have never progressed to relationship stage with anyone is because truthfully, I am terrified. I get so paranoid that if the other person finds out who I really am they will turn on me, or leave me. I know the saying ‘it’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all’ must have some element of truth to it, but I cant afford for someone to come into my life and potentially walk out knowing my secret. I have lived for so long keeping it to myself and building up this façade that if my personalities were made public I don’t think I could cope.

I tend to often blame my personalities for my lack of relationships, but maybe I’m just a crappy person to be around.

I decided to join a dating website though, as a few people I know have tried them and had success, and to be honest the response has been quite alright. After speaking to a couple of people for a while, I decided to test them and told them about my different personalities. Weird right? Talking to someone on a dating website who turns out to be mentally unstable, what are the odds? *sarcastic voice*.

I expected them to run a mile and not respond, but they actually told me………. that it was Okay….. and I was pretty gobsmacked. It was strange, because even though I have never told other people, I always feel more confident online, like I can just walk away and never speak to them so it doesn’t really matter if a stranger knows. If that makes sense?

Anyway…. for the first time I have started talking to someone who knows about the real me and just accepts it. I should probably be a bit more weary about this, but for the time being I am just going to go with the flow.

It’s nice though, just to be able to talk to someone and not have to hide what I’m thinking or feeling.

Anyway, its baby steps first, I have fell too many times trying to run before I can walk.

 

A/P.

Stranger things have happened

What do you do when someone asks you if you’re okay? Lie to them of course. No one really wants to let other people know, especially people you don’t really know to think that you are unhappy or upset.

Today I was at the bus stop. I had had an okay day after a really bad week. I have barely known what day it was. I was sat there just contemplating, thinking about how ‘bad’ my life was when a woman, around 35 maybe, a complete stranger just asked me if I was okay?. I was completely taken aback, she didn’t know me, she had no social responsibility to care about me but she actually went out of her way to ask me.

Why?

Why would a stranger, who doesn’t know me or care whether I was good?

I just looked at her, and I felt all of my troubles just melt away, and I just said ‘could be better, could be worse’. And do you know what she replied?

‘There is no need to be so glum, when there is air in you lungs and you still feel alive’. And as quick as she arrived, she had gone.

After a week of trials and tribulations, it is strange to think that a stranger can completely change the way you are thinking, but she did. She doesn’t realise that what said today made me completely re-evaluate what was going on in my life and she kind of inspired me.

I don’t even know what the point of this post was, there is no them and no sense. But take from it what you will, because for me what one stranger said to me today in the whole 20 second interaction we had change my outlook on the week we had.

I might have been having a bad day, week or even year. But being here now shows that I lived to tell the tale. Looking back on the bad things in life makes you realise that you can be strong, and that sometimes all you need is yourself and a bit of self belief.

 

A/P. 

Mental Vacation

Mental Vacation

I have been absent this week. I decided to take a little vacation, but not in the usual sense. I didn’t get on a plane, or a boat or even go anywhere nice. I just decided to take a mental vacation.

I had a bad weekend last week. I spent these days in limbo, not knowing where I was or what to do and with my mind falling about all over the place. I had a booze filled weekend and suffered the consequences badly.

So while in a positive frame of mind, I decided that I was going to take a vacation, relax my mind, forget about everything and just live for a few days. Instead of being a corporate robot in and out of the office day in day out and struggling everyday with stress, my emotions and my alters. When I relax and take my mind off things my alters are at peace.

I took a few days off work.

When I woke up in the morning it was serenity, not dreading going to work, standing in the rain waiting for the bus and sitting in the same chair every day with the same telephone strapped to my ear.

What did I do?

I loaded my ipod with relaxing music, packed a bag full of my favourite books and some food and I just walked. I walked out of town, in any direction and just stopped whenever I felt like it. Usually finding myself in the nature reserve not far from mine. I spent all day just sitting, reading, listening to music, drawing and writing and actually enjoying my own company.

I had no life stress, no work, noone nagging me and finally very limited alter interaction. Enjoying my own company…… for once.

Now that I am back, I feel rejuvenated, like I have seen another enjoyable side of life I don’t see that often.

I used to write all the time when I was younger. Writing poetry, stories and imaginary scenarios and doing this just brought it all back. Even though I am not the greatest of writers, I think the concept and ideas of my stories are relatively good.

Anyway I’m back to reality now. So I’m back here now, where I can still write and express myself and hopefully meet a lot of interesting people along the way.

A/P.

2 day hangover.

I’m feeling very vacant at the moment. Feeling very numb. I don’t know what it is but I just cant say no to a drink. I ended up drinking and partying with my friends until the early hours of this morning, and I am definitely suffering for it.

It is starting to become a regular thing now, being hung-over every weekend. Is it becoming a problem? During the week drink doesn’t even cross my mind, but as soon as five o’clock hits on a Friday it is as though I just crave some alcohol. I’m also one of those people, who don’t know when to stop. I can just drink and drink. 

1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila……… more?

At the time when I am drinking, I love it. I love having fun, feeling carefree and enjoying myself. But the next day, days like this, today which just makes it so not worth it. I’m feeling very blue. But I only have myself to blame.

  

….

....

Mixed emotions.

Mixed emotions.

I am currently feeling a mixture of different emotions. I kind of feel happy, I kind of feel sad, I kind of feel alone but at the same time enjoying my own company.

I’m sat in alone on a Friday night and I have decided to have some cider. I am quite partial to a strongbow every now and again, and I just felt that I needed a drink.

Baring in mind the alcohol abuse in my past, one would think I would avoid it at all cost. However, when I have a drink, I don’t feel like it is myself who needs it. I currently don’t feel myself (not that I am drunk, I am only on my first can). I just feel like it is someone else, like one of my alters who wants it.

I don’t know what it is about alcohol and making everything seem okay, but at this moment in time I do feel rather care free. Like I can see the light at the end of the bottle.

I have been doing some thinking lately. And I think I need to move away. I don’t think being stuck in a small town with not a lot going on helps my mind frame. I feel stuck. In a rut.

I recently failed my driving test, and I know why. It wasn’t me that was driving that day. I can barely remember my test. Thinking back it is as though it never really happened. being under pressure never does me any good. Pressure that I do not feel I can cope with makes me slip, slip away and leave a vacant space for an alter to accommodate.

Passing my test would have done me so much good. I have a car waiting for me to drive, but being stuck with no public transport at this time of night is a right pain in the ass. I cant go anywhere, cant go and see anyone without paying extortionate taxi fares.

So I think tonight I am just going to do my best to relax. I’m going to have a drink and repress my thoughts. That way I can hopefully have a good sleep.

Hopefully tomorrow I can wake up with the energy to go out and do something positive.